The Glory of God is a man fully alive - St Irenaeus

Have you heard of the prodigal son story? yesterday, i learnt i was the prodigal son, but the elder one.

          you see, in the prodigal son story, it goes like this. a younger son demanded for his share of his father’s property, even before his father died, took his share and left home. he squandered the money on women, and other vices. left with no more money, he worked as one who had to feed and sleep with pigs. he came to his senses: "Even my father’s servants have a better life than this. I should go back to him, say sorry and ask him to take me as one of his hired servants." so that was what he did. on the way back, even before he reached home, he found his father already waiting for him outside the house. his father, filled with joy that he was home, ran to hug and embrace him, asked his servants to bring him a ring (symbol of sonship), cloak and sandals, and even threw a big celebration. this is not the story i want to focus on.

          The father’s elder son, however, was jealous. he stood at the door and refused to celebrate like his father did. he felt unappreciated that all his life, he obeyed his father and never did anything wrong, yet he never had such attention. all his life, he was faithful to his father, yet he never had such ‘glory’ like his younger brother. he felt like his father had loved the younger brother much more than him. there was great resentment deep within.

          Many people are like the elder son. being faithful, committed, dedicated, putting in their best, never doing anything wrong, never doing anything that is not approved, obeying every single thing, yet they feel unappreciated, they feel like nobody cares, nobody sees the efforts they have been putting in all these years, they are expected to perform such perfectionistic obedience, so they do and that’s normal and nothing to make a fuss about. overtime, even though they need affirmation, they don’t get enough of it, and even they themselves feel they should not be praised and affirmed so often, because the feeling of wanting to be affirmed and appreciated is bad. subconciously, resentment builds up, without the person even knowing, esp when expectations are placed on them. these expectations soon become a burden and overloads them, stretching them beyond their own capacity.

           i think this was how the elder son felt. esp because he was the elder son in the family, he was expected to set a good example, expected to take over the family business, expected to obey more than the younger son, expected to be committed, and being a sensible elder son, he knew all this, so he obeyed. yet the same affirmation and need for love is not any lesser just because he is the elder son. but because resentment builds up, he has left home spiritually and emotionally. the elder son is as equally lost as the younger one. the elder son is as equally far away from his father’s heart as the younger one. in his heart, the elder son has cut off all connections of love with his father. this is ironic because this is happening while he is still physically at home. in his heart, the elder son, like the younger son, does not realize the immense depth of his father’s great love.

          but the father’s love reaches out to both his sons, the one who left home physically and the one who left home spiritually and emotionally. His love for the two sons are unconditional, so is His mercy. for the younger son, the father will put aside everything to run forward to embrace him when he comes home physically. so will he do that spiritually and emotionally for the elder son. the story does not have an ending about the return of the elder son. perhaps the ending is for each one to decide how they want their own ending to be.

          How often do we fear failure? how often do we worry that something will not go smoothly? or how often are we afraid and anxious that we are not up to an expectation set out for us? is it really a norm in life to be worried? do they really have to be part and parcel of life? is there really no way that we can live without these fears and worries?

          of course not. Inner peace comes to the one who places his trust in God. inner peace takes away all fears, and worries, because if it is good for us, God will make it happen. if it is not good for us, God will definitely prevent it from happening. this surety in the goodness and protection of God can only come from the belief of His Presence and Love.

          Why is it so difficult to believe in such a loving God? why do people find religion and faith a stumbling block? why do people choose not to believe in such a God who can make their hardships more bearable and who can give peace? Peace! the one thing that can determine satisfaction in life.

          what then can change their perspectives? miracles, answered prayers, conversions of close ones? all these God can do. there is only one thing that God cannot do - take away the freedom to choose to believe. but God is ever patient and ever compassionate. He will call and invite till the day we say ‘yes’.

          I started on something new last two days, something familiar but in a new surrounding and environment. I never really realized how my past experience of this nature was so good that i brought it with me, which was good i guess. but i was so attached to it that i measured the new environment against this old experience, such that i neglected the beauty and goodness of the new, only imposing the old system on the new environment.

          This was bad because i was blinded by my own biasness, and the fact was the two environment were distinctly different. i needed to appreciate each on its own, rather than come to the new stage, dragging the old along, and expecting them to be one, because they are just not. wat i’m saying is just that experiences are meant to be cherished, regardless of good or bad, but beyond that, it is time to move on, regardless of good or bad, not living the past in the present, nor living the new in the mentality of the old, but only keeping any lessons learnt (again, regardless of good or bad) and integrating them as part of one’s life.

          This way, we can treasure the past beautiful memories, keep them, learn lessons and make them as our own, and appreciate the beauty of the new, learn more lessons from the new and move on. Win-win situation. Life is a constant journey.

          stress! takes away your energy, your time, your brain cells, your mind, your attention from important things and people, your health, your happiness, your life!

          makes people unhappy, steals your mood for anything, breaks relationships… stress is like a seemingly harmless thief that comes in the night that doesn’t even leave any trace behind for you to notice its arrival and departure. it destroys you cell by cell, then tissue by tissue, then organ by organ, then relationship by relationship.

          actually, stress doesn’t really do all that. but not handling it well does all that. it hurts people, it disappoints people, it saddens people, it overlooks care and concern, it takes affection for granted, it is blind to love, it is oblivious to the beauty and the miracle of creation.

          stress. conquer it and it builds you up. be enslaved to it and you are destroyed.

          Hardships. today i’ll like to think about hardships. hardships are hard, are painful, are scary, are uncertain, are unsure. esp if you see ppl you know and care about in pain and in suffering, it’s not a peaceful sign. yet in the midst of it, you see attempts to be compassionate and signs of love, that’s comforting and encouraging and supported.

          dealing with a group of ppl is always harder, due to personality, character, opinions, upbringing, reactions differences. but the christian community is called to embrace all these differences and to even look beyond these, to love.

          what is to love? it’s not to feel a sensational feeling, it’s got nothing to do with that. it’s not to show only mediocre expressions of care. but the christian love is an action word, to carry out the action of caring being concerned, to carry out the action of encouraging someone, listening to someone, being silent to connect with the other’s pain deep within. beyond the actions, it is ultimately an attempt to feel all these actions in the heart.

          can this be possible? with people whom you find no reason to make such an effort? even with people you find the reason but not the strength? that’s why they say, love is not a human action, it’s a superhuman action. 

          back to hardships. i think love complements hardships. without hardships, why would we need love from the other? but hardships in a group also gels the group together, i guess. perhaps, this is really living life - to experience hardships and to be united through them. how we are really living fully alive! fully living the hardships and difficulties and fully living the unity and fully living the compassion and love. then we must be giving glory to God.

          Back from a church camp. still an eggshell. but this time, i’ve realized something else about this eggshell. indeed we are all eggshells on earth, yet why do people still appear strong, hardy, capable, gifted, talented, tough, especially in the midst of genuine struggles and harsh conditions? why do people still find the strength and reason to smile from their heart? why do people still give from their heart?

          because the eggshell is protected and covered with the grace the strength from God. it is like the ozone layer, protecting the earth from the heat of life’s struggles. when we turn away from God, the ozone layer breaks and a hole is formed to allow the sun’s heat to enter the earth, and the earth suffers from cancer of the heart, gradually hurting and killing the cells of life, finding emptiness and loneliness, a lack of fulfillment.

          what then can break the ozone layer? destructive gases of selfishness and pride, and the materialism/over-consumption of self.

          It’s been a tiring day. not emotionally or physically, just mentally tiring. how funny that my day can be as smooth as ever, no bad thing happening, no crop-ups, no disappointment, no frustration, no anger, no sadness, no hurts… yet can be as mentally tiring as ever. perhaps it’s the accumulation of mental work over the past few weeks, getting stressed without even realizing.

          pressure from the outside. with just a little pressure and the eggshell will be crushed. feels like an eggshell now. empty within, nothing in the core of it, just a shell covering, hiding the nothingness and enclosed space. how ironic. this simply proves that life cannot be just mediocre to be happy, one needs to constantly either fill it with the positive things, or grow from the negative things. there’s no sitting on the fence.

          what’s wrong with sitting on the fence, anyway? it’s at the top view, overlooking both sides, having two perspectives instead of one, it’s not interactively involved in either side, safe enough to stay away from trouble. but (here comes the ‘but’), it’s not fully engaging in anything, that’s where one misses out the complete experience. so after warming your seat on the fence for awhile, choose one side and follow it.

          To be able to sit at home, water my plants, change my fish tank water, update my blog, nap, spend time with family, watch tv, read the books i like, all these are indeed luxuries, a blessing i better appreciate and enjoy to the fullest now because they are not going to last very long.

          today, i went to see my great-grandaunt, she’s staying at the Villa Francis, a home for old folks. quite impressed with the scale of the building, big, many levels, many rooms on each level, and many beds in each room. when i saw my great-grandaunt, her weakness and frailness caught my attention. she was one whom many people used to always say "wow, she doesn’t look her age, she looks so young and healthy and strong still…" but today when i saw her, she looked old, lonely, nothing much to look forward to.

          made me wonder about how she must be feeling now. and also made me think about how i would be in my old age, or would i even live that old. made me realize that growing old is an inevitable reality. and that if i’m given the opportunity to grow old, i would want to live my old age years graciously. today i really saw how growing old is so important, because this is the period of time that a person prepares himself/herself to leave this world (the people and the things) and look forward to the next. of course being a Christian, to prepare to meet God, the purpose of why we even started living on earth. i guess the physical deterioration of the body is, in a certain way, preparing us for this transition because this deterioration makes real the coming of the end of the earthly life, which also indicates the start of another life, the heavenly one.